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Random Rambles

 


This page is just for me to let out my random aggression, depression, frustration, etc with rants, short poems, possible quotes, etc. I'll try to update it as often as possible ((though with my parents limiting the time I can spend on the computer a day, this should prove to be quite complicated))

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June 11, 2003

this guy really peeved me. here is what he wrote. (you can see this in it's primary source here.)


Indeed, it is truly encouraging to see that the weaker sex are in agreement with me about the filthy uncleanness of their monthly menses. Surely their minds are not completely blinded to the Truth, and there is much hope. I do feel so privileged to have brought about such a changing of the heart in so many young ladies.

Now many have asked me to define the Truth. Alas, dear children, at the moment, your eyes are so blinded that you would not understand it, so I can only teach you in very small pieces at a time. But keep reading and you will be enlightened and reach true glory.

I have also been asked why the feminine sex are the weaker sex. Indeed, the difference between the sexes may be seen in the very notes I receive on my diary. The gentleman readers are aggressive, for they perceive me as one of their kind, but also different and stronger than they, so they wish to fight me. Despite my earthworm state, I have a passion and direction they do not yet have, and so am a threat to them.

The lady readers, on the other hand, do flirt with me and try to corrupt me and entice me with their feminine wiles and their unclean body glitter. For indeed, despite my earthworm state, I am still endowed with great masculinity which the weaker sex find hard to resist. My masculinity doth weaken them, and so they attempt to weaken me. But dear ladies, I will not be weakened and nor should you. Such unclean lusts are not to be encouraged. Keep thy minds pure and save the act of intercourse for the bearing of children in thy marriages.


and this was my response:


in response to my dear friend earthworm jim,

realize i speak this only to educate you, to teach you something you have no knowledge of. this something i intend to teach you is the sin of bigotry.

it is said that women are the weaker sex, however, fight that statement best as you can. this statement is the epitome of male chauvinism, one of the sectors of this evil bigotry. resist the ridiculous rules of society, which oppress the so-called "weaker sex." it is said men are aggressive; women luring, enticing, unclean, superficial. how can one label such a large group as such? this is not only bigotry, but also generalization, and such a thing is irrational, because there always exist exceptions to the rules. not all members of the female sex are lustful and superficial. countless women i know do not engage in covering themselves in "unclean glitter," or, makeup, as us normal people call it. i find it utterly ridiculous to call women and not men lustful, for not just women, and not just men, have feelings of lust at points in time. it is abnormal to not have such feelings, just as much as it is to have excessive feelings of lust. to claim all women are evil because of something natural which they cannot help is ridiculous. it is false proof to say that women are weak because of their menstrual cycle. it is unfair to say the menstrual cycle is unclean, for, if not for your mother's menstrual cycle, you would not be present. if your mother's menstrual cycle is unclean, then you, a product of a product of the menstrual cycle, are also unclean, regardless of whether you are male or female.

another sector of bigotry is not an obvious sector, but rather something which very often is a cause of bigotry. this sin is conceitedness. conceitedness results in feeling as if you are "superior" to everyone; feeling as if everyone else is "blind" and you are the only one who still has both eyes with which to see. usually when someone is conceited, it is he or she who is blind, and everyone else who at least has one eye to see with. to claim that you know the "truth" and that you cannot "teach" it is also considered being conceited, and not only conceited, but one of the deadly sins--it is greed. it is greedy to have something very valuable and withhold it from your fellow people. and to withhold it and say that you are above them, and so you must teach it them in order for them to be knowledgeable of this "truth," circles us back to conceitedness, which links us back to bigotry.

To the topic of truth, i say there is no such thing. rather, there is such a thing, there is just no set truth. there are many truths throughout the world. there are truths according to faith, which, even within that category, there are many, for there are many faiths which people are given the chance to follow; there are also truths according to science, which has solid, factual proof attached to it. the positive thing about science is that if they do not have solid, factual proof, they do not say it is "truth." faith, however, is all speculation. not to say that this speculation is untrue; simply that many people have many different kinds of speculation, and you know what? all these different people, with all these different speculations... are all right. they all speak the truth. truth is not something you can withhold from someone. truth is something we all hold, within ourselves; in our hearts, our souls, our minds. truth is not something which one person has and another lacks. truth is truth. something you cannot take away, nor can anyone else.

bigotry is astounding, and if i were god, i wouldnt let a soul who was a bigot to enter Paradise. sorry, "jim", you're, in my mind, going to burn with the rest of us, with your interpretation of "truth."


January 22, 2003

so on January 16, my father died of a heart attack... i thought i'd mention that here, even if nobody visits this site, and especially this page, anymore... i thought i would post a link to this site because i think it's really important... one of my friends off of opendiary made it and i think it's very nice in theory... she's putting it together entirely with coding, so i wish her the best of luck with that. i think i have to update a lot of my pages on this site... but i mean, i dunno when i'll have time or whatever... ah well... *shrug* i'll just start with this page.

oh yeah, we saw opeth last night, left early cuz mikhail got hurt cuz he was taking the brunt of the mosh pit. i really wanna know WHY he insists on doing stuff like that--i can handle stuff like that... *sigh* oh well. it's like he thinks i havent the strength to defend myself in a pit. the three songs that i saw all the way through by opeth were great. i wish i'd been able to stay for the whole show, but we would've had to leave early anyway because everyone with a liscense that was there still had provisionals. *sigh* oh well.


December 28, 2002

so christmas has come and gone, i got presents, my mood's been up and down and overwhelmed and calm and stressed and all right. i got a lot done today, and still have the time to come chill online. =) last night i had a wonderful time at mikhail's... it felt like forever since we'd gotten time alone. it was really nice. =) hopefully tonight kara and i can hang out with our cousin nat. and hopefully this thing i'm getting together to make the english work less will work. ((we have to do 30 or so summaries of essays... and not jus any summary... a summary which is a sentence per paragraph of the essay... an extended summary? ah hell i dunno. anyway.)) but yeah, so i decided we should get a group of people, split the work up, and then exchange summaries with one another. of course, still read all the essays and everything, because we still have to do personal reflections... but it's the summaries that take forever.

so i have gotten 12 summaries done. i'm proud. =) hopefully others will do their work and it'll work out. *crosses fingers* i still have an AP World outline to do, and a couple sentences to translate for spanish. hopefully there isnt any pre calc homework?

oh!! opeth is playing at Jaxx (a club in virginia) in january. hopefully kara and i can go to that. =) i think mom is leaning towards yes on that. opeth is playing with paradise lost, lacuna coil, and tapping the vein. keving wants to go for lacuna coil and tapping the vein. so yeah. =) and mikhail said he'd go with us, and daniel and cesar want to come i think? *shrug* hopefully that'll work out, too!!


October 5, 2002

so today makes one year, exactly, since i saw tool in concert at the MCI center. that was an awesome night... very aesthetic... *nod* in any case, just thought i'd mention that...

i'm sorry i haven't written in awhile! i just have been so busy. with two AP classes, the rest being honors ((well, and ceramics and photography)) and a boyfriend and other stuff going on in my life... i have had a hard time finding time to update sites and whatnot.

i've had the desire to make a new site. i want to do a new layout and stuff, using completely html code. because this site was made originally with dreamweaver, and now i go in and edit the pages with just the code and whatnot. *shrug* but i dunno if i'm gonna have the time to make a site with completely html. in fact, i doubt it. oh well.

so last night i went to the caps game with my cousin nat. it was a preseason game against the hurricanes and we, of course, won! 5-1. and metropolit got a hattrick, so that was a very exciting game. the people beside me moved away cuz i was so loud... haha... all i have to say about that is--dont come to a hockey game if you're gonna be that uptight. 'nuff said.


August 12, 2002

so today i start driving school. i'm not really looking forward to it. i'm hoping to get a job application from the royal bagel bakery which is right next to the driving school, though... cuz i need a job badly... and dad says i can work during the school year so long as it doesn't interfere with my school work... i was thinking working just weekends... i dunno what the hours or whatever are, so... *shrug* since it's a bakery, it must open early, and close early. but i don't know how early it closes. so, yeah. *shrug*

mikhail's been in NY for the past few days. i believe he's supposed to come back today. so yeah. of course, my mom had to sign up for me to start driving school the day he comes back. but *shrug* whatever... all in good time... i must have patience...

i've been listening to dredg non-stop... i can't wait till their new cd comes out... it's gonna rock so hard... *grin* and i'm hearing all of their new songs and such before mikhail cuz i have dsl and he jus has 56k... *teehee* but then again, he's probably gonna see them in concert later this month. and i'm probably NOT going to because my parents are all blah and grr and grar... so thus... i probably will not be able to see dredg. but i reaaaaally want to. i've heard they're awesome in concert. and of course, they're playing new stuff. *oy*

in any case. there's really not all that much i have to talk about. i wish there were but i feel virtually empty right now. so, thus, i've nothing to say.


August 5, 2002

well, so i've decided it's about time for me to update this here... right? i dunno. i'm sorry, i meant to be really good about updating this... alas... i haven't been... i guess not much has been going on... if you really care all that much, you can go see my deadjournal, though i haven't updated it much, or my FOD, which is more often updated. i've almost hit 1000 entries on it. yay! well. if six more entries can be considered "almost"--which for me, it is.

i've been thinking too much lately, and thus driving myself crazy. i talked to my cousin nat on saturday and she thinks it's pathetic that mikhail hasn't offered to pay for anything for me... but then the fact that he and i haven't really been on a date; jus the two of us er whatever, is an excuse, for it, or accounts for it or something... and she says that it's just something guys are supposed to do in general... is take control and offer to pay for stuff, etc etc... and i mean, i've got this thing with appearing dominating like i'm a control freak and i appear as if i want to be the one in control...

but i don't. i have this desire to not be the one always calling him, and i want him to take initiative and i want to have that type of relationship-where the guy is always doing little sweet things for the girl, and the girl is just ever so pleased with the guy, and the guy calls her, and she isn't the one that has to continually call the guy, and end up getting his machine or be told that he isn't there, or...

but then my actions, and my words, they say something the complete opposite, no? i tell him i don't want those things. god i hate being a chick. i'm just like every other chick. i say "no!" when i mean "yes!" and... i confuse the hell outta him, i'm quite sure. *sighs*

in any case--i suppose this is enough rambling. though it's actually not nearly enough. i need to get everything-EVERYTHING out of my system... but i can no longer find the words to do so...


July 29, 2002

well, so i just got back from my trip to seattle today. got home sometime after six, whereupon i took a shower, took my contacts out ((they were stuck to my eyes, so i had to get em wet 'fore i could)) and promptly went to bed. didn't get up till three in the afternoon. it's nice to be back home. even though the weather was not inviting in the least. and opendiary is welcoming me home by not posting a damn thing i write. so thus... i am left to writing here. despite the fact that no one reads this anyway.

i meant to call mikhail. it's weird. i forgot to. and that's crazy. who would've imagined that my mind could drift from the topic of him for an instant?? *sigh* oh well. i'll get ahold of him tomorrow... hopefully.

that's all for now. i must get some rest. hopefully opendiary will be nice to me tomorrow.

July 10, 2002

haven't written in awhile, and i apologize for that. i've been busy; so much has been going on... well, not really. *grin* sunday was a busy day for me... very busy... and nice... *grin* i wrote all about it on my opendiary, but i think i'll ramble some more about it. in fact, if you don't read my opendiary (which i doubt; anyone that would come to this page has most likely been to my opendiary, and maybe even discovered this page there... if anyone even comes here...) just stick around here, cuz i'm going to repeat a lot of the stuff that i wrote there...

ok. so saturday... ((i'm surprised i didn't update this page on saturday)) i was really depressed. like, majorly. i don't feel like getting into the details here. but i was very very very depressed. mikhail and i were supposed to do something at some point during the weekend, but saturday didn't work out, and i thought that i wouldn't even get a hold of mikhail on sunday, either. but, lo-and-behold, sunday morning while i was moping around on the computer, mikhail signed on! and so we talked. and we made plans. he told me his mom wanted me to come over to his house and stuff and stay for dinner... and yeah... my parents, surprisingly, said yes... so i went to get dressed and stuff...

yup, so mikhail and his mom came to pick me up, and we went back to mikhail's... we went to say hello to mikhail's dad who was outside brushing angel, mikhail's doggie... and i talked to his dad for a little while... talked about how i'm going to seattle july 19th, and he said that we should go to EMP-i told him that my dad had an itinerary planned out, and that was part of it. *grin*

then we retreated down to the basement where mikhail's cousin shaun was playing guitar. mikhail introduced me to shaun and i basically jus waved and said hi... and then mikhail and i went over to the other side of the basement or whatever... and i got a signature mikhail hug... *grin* that was very nice... and then we sat on some stools and i was flipping through a magazine that was right there... and we talked a little... and i finished looking through the magazine... and we jus kinda sat there... and i could tell mikhail was thinking about kissing me... i tell ya, a girl's instincts are never wrong... *smile* and he kissed me... and it was nice... first kiss with mikhail, yes... but first kiss in all my life, too... i think melissa said it well when she said, "first kiss: good, long, with a great guy... hmm, cant beat that." *grin* but yeah... then we kinda sat around some more and i hugged him and stuff... and then shaun came over and he got some different cds to play along with... then he eventually came over and sat near us and jus did the "shifty eyes" lol, looking from me to mikhail and back again...

eventually mikhail decided to show me his pictures of italy... man, i want to go to italy so badly... for one year of my life, i've decided i'm jus gonna go and tour europe. i've had that plan for a long time. and i'm serious about that. just like i think i'm serious about being a pastry chef at some point. at least... i think i'm serious. but yeah, so we looked at the pictures of italy, and they were interesting... tim came downstairs eventually and shaun came and sat in the half of the basement with mikhail and i (he'd been going back and forth between the half where all the instruments and such are, and where the couch and such is) *shrug* and we sat around for awhile... phone rang for mikhail... tim got it; it was moogle, the guitarist in mikhail's band... he wanted to talk and stuff, but mikhail said that he didn't feel like talking... tim told him we were going to go to tower records, cuz we were... and moogle said he'd meet us there...

then we went to tower. and i got my opeth cd! morningrise. *grin* and we walked around looking at all sorts of cds... shaun kept going off, getting the most obscure cds to show us, would grin, and then walk back off again to come back with another crazy cd... *grin* eventually moogle came over and started talking to mikhail and stuff. and i jus kinda stood around like, "yup." mikhail didn't introduce me, and he apologized for not doing so... he beat himself up for it, aww... i didn't really care, it probably jus didn't come to mind that i didn't know moogle, and moogle didn't know me and stuff. but yeah. we talked about random stuff. and yeah... chilled... bought cds... went back to mikhail's...

we chilled some more. sat around. watched tim play videogames. listened to opeth. then dinner. was YUMMYNESS and i didn't feel left out or anything... i was involved in the conversations and stuff... *grin* tara came and mikhail's mom forced her to eat... *grin* ummm... so then we went back to the basement... and we chilled... finished listening to opeth... tim beat the game he was playing ((with GAMBIT, i TOLD HIM to use GAMBIT!)) umm... then we watched a john leguizamo stand up video... as mikhail laid on my lap because shaun leapt on his back and he was in pain... he jus laid there, on my lap, for, what, an hour? *smile* that was nice... parents called... said they wanted me home within the hour... i lost track of time while mikhail was laying on my lap... if not for tim my parents woulda freaked and i wouldn't have been home when my parents wanted me home...

so... then we left, i s'pose. and yeah. *is thoughtful* yup. good day. left out lotsa details, but meh. *shrug* i rambled enough there.


June 30, 2002

so indeed. these past couple days, my mood has decreased exceptionally and i've been feeling lonely as crap. it's not good. and what makes it worse is the fact that, well, i haven't been able to really talk to anyone about it. especially those people that i would most want to. err. in any case, indeed. it really blows when you feel as if you're alone and no one else is there for you.

well, not to say it's their faults that they aren't. it's not. and i'm probably just overly sensitive and caring too much about something so minuscule as never being given the opportunity to spend time with friends... i mean, they've all got lives. hey, good for them. they all have important things that they have to do, previous commitments. hey, that's fine too. maybe i should get off of my lazy ass and say, "hey, you wanna hang out?" as opposed to waiting for everyone to come crawling to me when everyone else is busy and saying, "heyyyyy... let's chill today." and that's not to mention the fact that people probably don't think to invite me because my parents very often say no, and so they assume my parents are going to say no again.

and i don't know-is it just me, or when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, are you not supposed to spend time with them? *sigh* no, no, i'm not going to get into that. i'm probably driving mikhail crazy with all i've been saying lately. i make it seem like i'm mad at him or something... *sigh* i'm not. not at all. god i hate it when i get like this-i take all my frustration and anger and depression out on the one person that seems to care at all... and the second he has other plans, something else to do, and he has to turn me down, i get all depressed... frickin dependency...

speaking of which. god, my mom knows me too well. friday people were all chillin er whatnot... and so my mom knew that was bothering me... even though i insisted it wasn't, she knew it was, and she kept bringing it up, giving me possible things... excuses for them and stuff... *shrug*

no one ever reads this. i dunno why i even update it. i should *linkie* to it on my opendiary er something... *shrug* it doesn't matter. what i put here is a repeat of what i put everywhere else...

well indeed. today is probably gonna suck as much as, hmm, the rest of this weekend has sucked?

and yet i'm still rambling. i want to get this all out. but i can't find the words to say any of it.

why do i feel so depressed now, after mikhail has made he and i "official" than i did when we weren't "official"? maybe i'm just disappointed, because in the word "official" i saw so much more than... just being as we were before. rarely being given the chance to hang out. *sigh*

ozzfest is, what, next weekend? so we're not gonna be hanging out then. hopefully we can get together sometime this week. i think we're supposed to see the powerpuff girls movie together. ((comes out wednesday-ohh, allowance day is tomorrow!)) but i forget when he's off work this week. *smacks self* he told me friday when he's off...

oh well. in any case... i suppose that's enough rambling, yes? yes. i still want to write more, but i'm gonna have to stifle that want. because this is all coming out wrong.


June 28, 2002

well, i'm bored. again. not much has been going on. but yeah. boredom sucks. um, i talked to my mom about stuff yesterday. because mikhail decided to make it official that he and i are together... and so i talked to my mom about that, cuz my parents have been really restricting as of lately... and i told her it made me feel like they didn't trust me, and that was really frustrating. she's the voice of reason in the family, so she listened to me and she told me what she was thinking, and... yeah. at least i got it off of my chest... even if mikhail and i must maintain our patience and probably won't be able to see one another very much... in any case...

that's enough rambling for now, i guess... man, talk about rambling. pointlessness...


June 25, 2002

Well, let's see here. i haven't been able to update this page much, and this is the first time i'm attempting to without dreamweaver. so if this turns out crappy... uhh, i'm probably not going to update it much anymore. in any case. stuff is happening. just not much of anything...

we'll say that i haven't gotten to hang out with mikhail as much as i would like. and that's driving me crazy. but that's ok. because i understand he has stuff he has to do. and other people have stuff they have to do. i just wish i had something i have to do. *shrug* and here i am rambling, complaining about not having a life, and doing nothing to amend the fact that i don't have a life.

i made sergio's birthday cheesecake. be happy sergio... i'll bring it to him sometime tomorrow i suppose. he jus better be home, or i'm gonna have to eat the cheesecake all by myself. i cooked it too long, but at least it didn't get burnt. it jus has all these cracks in it. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. it doesnt really affect the taste... i don't think.

last night i drove myself insane thinking. i hate it when i do that. i already for that ramble out twice already, so i don't think i have to get it out here. but if you want to see it, you can see it here. but i got it out better at my deadjournal.

moral of the story? dependency is bad. and i want to see mikhail. really a lot. i think i might go call him now... so i'll stop this ramble here ((and hope the html is all correct and whatnot))


June 12, 2002

It's kind of funny when some people you haven't spoken to at all the entire year invite you to a... "picnic" to celebrate the year being over... and that brings questions to mind, as to... will i be bored? will i feel left out? will i actually talk to people, and be able to laugh? there will definitely be some inside jokes they refer to-will those make me feel uncomfortable? you want to go, but you don't want to feel awkward... so you think of inviting one of your "new" friends, that none of the people there know... and you think that, well, it wouldn't be right, would it, to bring someone else along? but you want to. because you want these people to meet this person, because he means a lot to you, and you want these people whom you have been friends with for so long to meet him. these people that you have drifted from-but some still mean a lot to you. you want them to meet him and you want them to like him and approve of him. you want to belong again, as you once belonged in their group...

That is the predicament that I faced today. I doubt if even some of them want me there... why do they spare a passing glance, a mere thought on me? i've left them behind... i asked hanh if she thought it would be okay if i brought mikhail along ((though i still have to talk to mikhail about it)) and she said that she thought it would be ok, that they wouldn't mind. she's still friends with them because, well, if she werent friends with them, she would have no one... i want to be in that group again at times... but then i remember how alone i felt whenever i was with them. how ignored i felt.

and, wait, mikhail would feel strange going-would he not?? and if i were to follow melissa's advice and tell him to come and drag Ilyse along-wouldn't that be rude? because the people that will be there don't know mikhail or Ilyse. and... i was just raised on the fact that it's rude to invite people to parties, etc, that you yourself did not arrange...

i have this urge to talk to brooke about it and see what she thinks. but talking to brooke... i really haven't spoken to her in so long. she's still in with the group-she and hanh are the two people in that group that i really actually missed talking to... now hanh and i are talking more often... but i really haven't had the chance to talk to brooke, because she and i have no classes together....

in any case... i'll settle this eventually. i know they aren't trying to stress me out by inviting me, but just trying to give me a way to get back into the group... *shrug* in any case... i'm still uncertain. i think i'll talk to mikhail about it and see what he thinks...



June 11, 2002

Since I have lacked any inspiration as of lately to write any poetry ((the poetry I have been writing seems dull, repetitive and short)) I decided to throw this page up. I suppose it will be something of a journal ((though I already have a deadjournal, as well as an opendiary)), with little rambles, etc.

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